This month on VOICES Radio Hour — Friday, March 14 at 6pm on KDNK — we kick off our Common Ground series by discussing the ways we can bring our best self to the table for hard conversations. In a conversation with Paul Dankers, who is a psilocybin harm reduction specialist, we discuss Internal Family Systems and how this therapy model can help us put down our defenses and see what connects us rather than what divides us.
I first learned about Internal Family Systems (IFS) through an unexpected source: a Facebook ad for a global summit on psychedelic therapy. Expecting little, I signed up and was astonished to find it was a legitimate gathering of top researchers and facilitators exploring cutting-edge therapeutic modalities. As I dove into the hour-long interviews, I kept hearing references to “IFS,” “Exiles,” “Protectors” and “Firefighters.” I had no idea what they meant.
Eventually, I traced these terms back to Richard Schwartz and his book, “No Bad Parts.” I bought the audiobook. My husband listened first, and when he came back saying, “You have to hear this,” I had no idea that my life was about to change in a profound way.
IFS is a groundbreaking psychological model based on a simple yet radical premise: We are not singular, mono-minded beings. Instead, we are made up of different “parts” — aspects of ourselves that hold various emotions, beliefs and roles. This isn’t a disorder; it’s how the human mind naturally functions. We reference it in everyday speech when we say things like, “I want to attend your party, but part of me is worried that I won’t know anybody there.”
The most transformative concept in IFS is that, beneath all these parts, each of us has a core Self — an essence that remains unbroken no matter what we’ve been through. This Self is defined by the eight 8 C’s: Calm, Confidence, Clarity, Compassion, Courage, Creativity, Curiosity and Connectedness. When we operate from Self, we lead our internal system with wisdom and care, rather than being dominated by reactive parts.
Parts develop in response to our life experiences. Wounded parts, called “Exiles,” carry burdens of pain, fear or shame. “Protectors” step in to keep these wounds hidden. Some act as “Managers” who control our behavior, while others act as “Firefighters,” reacting impulsively to shut down pain through distractions, addictions or even self-sabotage. These protectors mean well, but their methods can create suffering of their own.
What makes IFS life-changing is that it teaches us not to fight or suppress these parts, but to approach them with curiosity and compassion. Instead of shaming an inner critic, we ask, “What are you afraid would happen if you stopped criticizing me?” Instead of battling anxiety, we explore what it’s trying to protect. This shift from judgment to understanding is where the real healing begins.
This understanding has profoundly altered the way I relate to myself. Before IFS, I often felt at war with my own mind. Parts of me carried intense self-doubt, anxiety and perfectionism. My inner critic was relentless, and my go-to coping mechanism was distraction — anything to avoid facing deeper wounds.
IFS taught me to see them differently. I started noticing when my “Manager” was working overtime, micromanaging every detail to prevent failure. I realized my procrastination wasn’t laziness — it was a “Firefighter” trying to protect me from the terror of falling short. Most shockingly, I met an “Exile” — a young, wounded part of me carrying the belief that I was unworthy of love. Instead of rejecting these parts, I finally listened to them.
As I did, something incredible happened: The fear and self-judgment began to soften. I no longer had to fight against myself. The more I showed up with compassion for these parts, the more they trusted that I — the Self — could lead. It became easier to recognize when my reactions were coming from a protective part rather than my true essence. I became more patient with myself, less controlled by perfectionism and more able to step into the present moment without being hijacked by old fears.
But the impact of IFS didn’t stop with my internal world — it transformed my relationships, too. I recognized that everyone has parts. Instead of reacting defensively to criticism, I became curious: “What part of this person is speaking? What are they trying to protect?” This shift made room for deeper, more meaningful connections. Conversations that might have spiraled into conflict became opportunities for understanding.
IFS also helped me break generational patterns. I saw how family dynamics shaped my protectors and exiles, and how those patterns could be passed down. By bringing Self-energy to my interactions, I could interrupt cycles of shame, fear and control, replacing them with empathy and openness.
Of course, I don’t do this perfectly. I still have days when my protectors take over. But IFS gave me a roadmap back to Self — a way to return to calm, clarity and compassion when I lose my way.
If I could leave readers with one message, it would be this: You don’t need to fear your inner world. There are no bad parts of you — only parts carrying burdens that they’re waiting to release. When you meet them with love instead of resistance, healing isn’t just possible — it’s inevitable.
Paul Dankers is the husband of Michael Schoepe, the co music director for Two Rivers Unitarian Universalists, the music director of Aspen Choral Society and a psilocybin harm reduction specialist.