By Cleo Andersen-Green, Psy.D.
Guest Column
Your kid comes through the door and drops their backpack. You ask one innocent question, “How was your day at school?” And you may get a “Fine” as they shut their door. Or they snap back, “Seriously … can you just not?”
If you can relate, you’re part of the majority and you’ve got either a clam or a porcupine on your hands. The Clam withdraws and goes inward when they’re stressed, while the Porcupine pushes back with rude remarks or angry silences.
Back-to-school season only exacerbates these reactions, because both types of teens are responding to two main triggers: overwhelming feelings they don’t know how to deal with and a need to control something, anything, in a life where almost every major decision gets made for them.
It may be helpful to think of the teen brain as having a powerful gas pedal and brakes that desperately need an upgrade. The reactive part of their brain comes online early and strong. The part responsible for discernment and empathy won’t be fully developed until their mid-to-late 20s. So when they feel something, they feel it at full volume and genuinely don’t have the equipment to turn that noise down, the way adults can.
When they behave in such difficult ways, it’s almost impossible not to get triggered yourself. The natural and well-intentioned reaction is to try to correct the teen’s undesirable behavior, question their seemingly poor decisions and fix their problems before they spiral into anything worse.
Unfortunately, all these responses are going to immediately engender resistance and defensiveness. When you’ve got an understandably suspicious and defiant teen, there is only one solution. Acceptance.
Now, I’m not saying you have to blindly accept poor behavior forever. Just try accepting where your teen is coming from for the next few months. This is truly the only strategy for change.
To help you feel committed to this new approach, it might be worthwhile considering whether your teen treats their favorite teacher the same way they treat you. If your teen is able to be respectful and pleasant with the adults they like, then you can relax and feel good in knowing they actually do have those skills. Fully embodied acceptance (i.e., shown through behavior) is the only approach that can overcome the previous ways you’ve both been interacting, so you can enjoy connecting with them in the same way the other adults in their life do. That will take time and effort.
You can do that by allowing conversation to happen naturally instead of forcing a dialogue. Low-stakes activities can help them relax and not feel cornered into discussion, like going for a hike or a drive to their favorite dessert place. This is especially helpful if your teen is more clam than porcupine; acceptance looks quieter, like sitting near them without filling the silence, so being with you doesn’t feel like a quiz.
When they do start opening up, instead of rushing in and trying to fix problems, they really just need to feel fully listened to, for their emotions to be accepted by you. You can show that total acceptance simply through relaxed body language and nodding.
It’s also really important that parents keep in mind that they’re only human and be gentle on themselves when they make mistakes. It’s likely that you’ll accidentally take the bait and start telling them what to do. Owning your mistakes and apologizing when they happen will result in much more respect from your teen and allow them to feel safe in doing the same when they make a mistake.
So perfection isn’t necessary, the very fact you’re wanting to understand your teen is where true, lasting connection begins. I go deeper into all of this in my free community talk at the Carbondale Library on Aug. 26.
Cleo Andersen-Green, Psy.D., holds a doctorate in clinical psychology and is the cofounder of The Academy of Lasting Love. She offers practical support for youth, families and couples across the Roaring Fork Valley who want to shift unproductive patterns into calmer, deeper connections.