Remember my marijuana farm from last month’s column? I used that story to make a point about conditions along Highway 133 but probably left you wondering, “How did Kokish resolve the job thing? After burning the plants, wasn’t he still stuck in a soul-crushing bureaucracy?” I want to tell you how that turned out, but first, I want to introduce you to Joan and Erik Erikson.
The Eriksons were social psychologists who wrote about life as a predictable series of psycho-social stages with each stage having a specific developmental task. Each task, they said, resolves a basic conflict between individual needs and societal expectations. By resolving the conflict, we acquire a “virtue” that will be essential for successfully resolving the next stage’s conflict. (Their seminal work is “Childhood and Society.”)
I was 45 when I bought the marijuana farm, the age at which the Eriksons’ scheme has me entering stage seven, the second part of middle age. By completing the tasks of stages one through five to at least some degree, I had acquired the virtues they yield: basic trust in the world, an ability to function independently and take initiative, a clear identity and a capacity for intimate relationships. During the first part of middle age (stage six), I started a family and a career, formed stable friendships and assumed a meaningful role in my community. But this next stage was different.
During each earlier stage, I could happily anticipate the next. As a young child, I looked forward to school, then to dating, to college, marriage, family, career, etcetera. But now? I was looking forward to 20 more years of same-old same-old, working for the self-serving government agency — or one just like it — feeling creatively stifled and financially trapped until my children finished college.
And then what? I might be able to leave that job, but for what? Social work in another bureaucracy wouldn’t be much different. The only “next thing” in sight was retirement, some 20 years away.
“Is this all there is?” I asked myself. According to the Eriksons, it’s a normal question at that age, at least in our culture. It’s an age when a lot of extra-marital affairs begin, and when a lot of divorces happen. The conflict we’re resolving is called “Generation vs. Stagnation.” The task is making new meaning in life and the virtue payoff is “caring” — finding meaning in concern and responsibility in caring for the kind of world we will leave behind for following generations.
Having failed to resolve my dilemma with a marijuana farm, I was more depressed than ever. I did see one way out. I could join Niki in her newly established private practice. She was doing well, but in our small and poor rural area private practice wasn’t usually very lucrative. I had the mortgage to think about, and the kids heading for college. We needed at least one dependable income. I took a few months of accumulated leave to think it over and decided to go back to my job and tough it out.
One morning, my son who was about to leave for college pleasantly asked, “Have you decided what you’re going to do, Dad?”
“Yeah, Al. I’m going back to work. With you and your sister both starting college, this isn’t the right time for a change.” His demeanor darkened. “Don’t you dare put that on me!” he said, raising his voice. “Don’t you dare make my education an excuse for your unhappiness! If I want a college education, I’ll find a way to get one, but I am NOT going to college if it means you being miserable.”
I was shocked. I don’t remember what I said, but a few days later I had lunch with an administrator from my agency and told her I wasn’t coming back. I was taking a crack at private practice.
The morning Al scolded me was the end of my crisis. I was ready for stage seven. Though our office always exceeded our expectations, I remained afraid of failing for three more years. But I loved going to work every day. I loved feeling challenged and being able to meet my obligations in creative ways. Most of all, I loved always accounting to my conscience instead of a hidebound bureaucratic manual. The bleak 20 years I had anticipated were among the happiest of my life.
And now you know the rest of the story of my marijuana debacle. But you might be wondering why I included the psychology primer. It’s because I’m getting us ready for next month’s Mature Content, wherein we’re going to tackle stage eight: “Integrity vs. Despair.” It’s the most challenging stage of all because its challenge is to find meaning in dying. We’re going to need all the help we can get with that, and I think looking at life through the Eriksons’ lens will give us some of that help.

Mature Content is a monthly feature from Age-Friendly Carbondale.