By Lindsay Gurley
Motherhood has been, and continues to be, a journey that started for me well before Finn arrived — with a shift in my expectations when coming to terms with my new reality. After Finn’s birth, I was thrown into new growth, transformation, shifting priorities, fresh new perspectives and delving into my own identity.
I always envisioned one of those easy, breezy pregnancies — I could picture myself, walking through wildflowers with a pregnant belly and that goddess glow, laughing, joyful, and generally in a state of bliss. That was not my experience, although a few of those moments did exist.
The first lessons of caring for another human came in those months of pregnancy. I battled with sickness, extreme hunger, food aversion… to list a few. The lessons of non-attachment and that each moment is temporary were present everyday. It was during those months that I also realized, accepted, and leaned into the fact that I am mothering this growing being and part of that is putting their wellbeing first. So I ate, even when every morsel of food was truly disgusting to me, I slept even though there was so much “to do,” and I let go of who I thought I was and how I thought I was supposed to be.
Finn’s birth was a story in itself, one for another day, and it was the best and hands-down hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was the toughest summit I have ever climbed — mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually — and it continues to take me higher in life. It showed me that no matter what comes at me, I’ve got this, especially with my people (shout-out to my husband) by my side.
Motherhood is not just an adventure. It surely is that, highs, lows and all the in-betweens. It has also been a reemergence, like I have peeled away all the bullshit, or most of it, and am emerging as a person with way more clarity on what really matters.
Every giggle, every little look, every new experience or action — I am truly in awe. In awe, in wonder, and in delight to see him exploring life and to re-experience all the newness through him and with him.
There are so many little moments that come to mind when I think of my experience of motherhood. So, I’ll share some of my truth, because it’s not all rainbows and butterflies! The doubting myself was real — the amount of times where I had NO idea what I was doing as he wailed, questioning every action I took, it drove me a little bonkers. And then I would remember, or be reminded, that I innately know more than I give myself credit for. Overpowering fear and worry swept over my body once when he rolled off the couch (I cried for 10 minutes, he cried for one and was totally fine). Or how I literally feel like my heart is going to explode when I come home from work and he screams out of joy, giggles and reaches for me, as if I am truly the best thing that exists. Or the gift of nursing him and having his chubby little fingers wrap around my thumb, and his smile when I smile at him. Or the anxiety that took me over postpartum because I love him so, so much. The list goes on.
Motherhood is super selfless and it also has made me more selfish, in a good way. It has cleared out the unnecessary, defined what’s important, helped me remember to be truly present. Most of all, it has shown me that life is magical and to not take it too seriously.
I am still me. I am not just Finn’s mom. Motherhood has shown me that being me, remembering who I am and what I love, and actually making time for those things (even if it’s less time than before) is non-negotiable. I always want my son to know that taking care of himself, his needs, his values and his loves is what will make him a whole and happy person, which in turn will support him to be there for others in a deeper and richer way. So I want to model that, even when it’s hard.
To me, to be a mama is to love greater than ever before and to grow more than ever imagined.
Catch “VOICES Radio Hour” on KDNK this Friday, May 10, from 6 to 7pm. This month’s theme: “New + Expectant Motherhood.” You can listen to past episodes at voicesrfv.org/voices-radio-hour