When it comes to human nature: all our peaceful sit-ins and flat-out wars for war’s sake, the goody-goodies and the Machiavellian masterminds, altruism and flagrant greed, humanity is patient. We can look back and see how the ship was righted throughout history many times … But I’m worried that mining an endless cul-de-sac of everyone’s ideas and essays over the years may not be the kind of thing we can totally come back from. As much as I want to like AI, its access to knowledge is limited by human conception. Don’t get me wrong — I love using it when I’m writing hate mail to the TSA, but you gotta admit, dealing with AI is like playing Go Fish with a younger sibling that can’t find a full deck.

AI is a closed loop. And there is no voice chiming in for nature or animals or random coincidence. You know that extra weight in a body between when it’s alive and dead? Yeah, that thing we still struggle to name: Soul, Atman, Enrique, whatever. Well, AI has no knowledge of that. I’m just saying that entrusting our only planet to something we ourselves invented might not be our smartest play. Especially with our country’s current administration. They’re like if the short bus got lost on a field trip to the coal plant and started a useless war with Iran.

Trump has caused a lot of damage in a short amount of time, no question. But what if all of his antics are simply a distraction from Dr. Evil’s grand scheme? In other words, what if Trump is Number 2?!
When I read about the 12 missing and/or dead Americans with direct connections to our nuclear program and top-level clearances I couldn’t help but imagine a terrifying scenario.

Retired US Air Force Major General William ‘Neil’ McCasland was at home in Albuquerque as his wife left the house for an appointment. When she came back an hour later, he was gone. An X account believed to be the general’s “…shockingly claimed just months before McCasland’s disappearance that Maj. Gen. John Rossi, who allegedly committed suicide in 2016, was actually murdered because of refusal to hand over nuclear material to private contractors,” a March 14 New York Post article reads.

As much as I want to believe that aliens would intervene to rescue us from ourselves, or that a few intelligent beatniks are gathering a group for an underground think tank, the straight line actually points to someone with little-to-no imagination playing the part of Dr. Evil by eliminating people with access to our nuclear program. And the first suspect that comes to mind is old Poison ‘Em If You Got ’Em, himself.

I’m afraid Putin has watched too many ‘80s movies and actually believes he can destroy the United States’ nuclear program. Worse yet, I’m not sure he can’t. With his aging orange pawn running amok, destroying innocent lives — not to mention our country’s reputation around the world, our own scientists are being disappeared or shot point-blank on their porch like Carl Grillmair.

When I’m Trump’s age I hope to be sitting on a porch somewhere, enjoying my Jello and watching the sunset. But not him, no sir! He bullies his way past everyone, right into the party, helping himself to whatever he wants and acting like the rest of the partygoers are glad to see him. Spoiler: they’re not. The only reason the civilized world puts up with the US —  keeps inviting us to the party at all — is because we have the most expensive military pool toys.

One of our submarines can carry 24 nuclear weapons. Just one sub. That’s where most of our tax dollars have gone for decades. We see ourselves as an action hero: Sylvester Stallone, headed into the fray with nothing but a tank top and a big gun. Our reflection in the world’s mirror is a jacked dude with flowing hair, surrounded by huge flames and explosions. But what happens if we are so busy watching all the things go BOOM! that someone (AI?!) steals our weapons of mass destruction? Then what?

AI will just roll the credits, I guess.